Insubordiknit: Happy birthday baby

February 13, 2008

Happy birthday baby

Is this your first letter? I think it may be, minus a few lines here and there in cards and e-mails, this is your first letter. A love letter, even. You are turning One tomorrow and before you enter the days of age, I want to say a few things about you, and me, and us, and how much you've filled a part of my heart I didn't even know I had. To be honest, really honest, I didn't know if I wanted another child. I was so happy with your brother, you know him, he's enough for anyone, all smiles and brains and funny ideas. I thought there was no way I could possibly love anyone as much as I loved him (just so you're not kept in suspense, let me tell you, I could and do). He was my number one and I felt really protective of that, protective of the idea of having a single number one. It didn't even really change while I was pregnant, that feeling. You know about how the pregnancy began, right? Almost by ending. Open belly surgery to remove...well, to remove what they though was you, only not you, a you that didn't work out, that grew in the wrong place and then filled my belly with a liter and a half of blood making it so that I couldn't breathe or move or continue to live without your removal...well, removal of what they thought was you. It wasn't you though. The doctors claimed but I knew it wasn't. A mother knows. So they removed the cyst and the blood and they told me that you might be okay.

Nine months later you were okay. Nine months later in the middle of the worst ice storm baltimore had seen in years, you were great, pulled from my abdomen by the gloved hands of a really kind doctor. The moment I saw your tiny, wrinkly, perfect body I knew that I would love you with all my heart and forever. Everyone felt like that, cooing that you were the prettiest baby ever, forgetting that your brother was pretty damn cute as well, but that day all anyone could see was you.

The nurses, who only hours before were shaving my netherbits, snuck your brother in the recovery room right away so that he could tell you your name. He was your biggest supporter, from before you were even an idea, you were his idea and he had equal billing in naming you. We wanted you to be the first besides the three of us to know your name and we wanted him to tell you. Out of your big brother's mouth is the first time you heard your big name. And it is big, I know. I also know that you can fill it out. Just like you filled out your onesies! Yes, you did. We've said from the beginning, “she's got the head of a newborn and the ass of a 2 year old” and it's true girlfriend, you've got back!

A few months ago you had rolls and rolls everywhere, and I loved every one of them, whispering sweet words between them, kissing the creases, holding you close so that your tiny body warmed my big one. How is it that such a tiny body can have so much more warmth than one as big as mine?

Your rolls are less now, your too busy to keep them around. Burning through them like you burn across the floor, splinters be damned, hours later I see a splinter in your knee or hand and I'll marvel that it didn't slow you down.

It's not like you don't eat either. You eat like a champion. You're not the milk-obsessive baby that your brother, all day, all night, but you've got half of it down, for sure. It's a good thing you can unhook a nursing bra or I'd be getting no sleep. Other than milk, raspberries, that's your favorite. You'll spit out anything if you see a raspberry. Tofu is a no-fail as well. Sweet potato. Carrots. Enchaladas! You eat baby, you eat.

Your breath still unhinges me. No matter what you eat you manage have the sweetest little hot breath. Sometimes in the morning when you're still sleeping I'll snug right up to you, as close as I can get without waking you, but I'll put my face even closer, right up next to your open mouth. That feeling of your sweet hot breath fills me with such a good feeling, like fresh baked bread. I know your breath won't stay that sweet, at least if your brother is any indication, but right now it can make me cry.

Pretty much everything about you can still make me cry if I think about it enough. Love does that, feels so good that it hurts, John Melloncamp got that right, though I'm not sure he was talking about sweet, hot baby breath.

I can't not mention your smile, from gummy grin to toothy smile, they've all been disarming. Light up a room, again taking after your big brother, lucky girl, that smile will take you places. Just don't let it or your tiny legs take you too fast, my whole heart is wrapped up in your little limbs. Happy birthday sweetest girl shaped biscuit.

Posted by jacey at February 13, 2008 09:46 PM

Comments

Oh Jacey
That's really so beautiful.

so beautiful

xo Amey

Posted by: amey at February 14, 2008 01:36 AM

what a letter...
i just had my baby on saturday and this got the tears flowin'.
what a sweet valentine.

Posted by: eva at February 14, 2008 03:34 AM

Wow, your kid is the spitting image of you - and trained on the spinning wheel (spindle?) already - well done!
x

Posted by: SparkleyC at February 14, 2008 07:07 AM

What a love song you've written. it's as if you've mined the hearts and psyches of moms everywhere with your paean to sweetpea. Thank you for writing and sharing such a perfect bit of love.

Posted by: seaweed girl (col) at February 14, 2008 07:13 AM

Happy Birthday Insubbordiknit family!!!
Yea!!! Great idea LB!

Posted by: Mama-E at February 14, 2008 08:09 AM

ack! so sweet! that girl! this morning, upon waking and my wishing her a happy valentine's day, s said, "OHHH, sweetpea(not her real name!) is one today! time sure does fly, doesn't it, mama!" it sure does. happy birth day, to sweetpea and y'all!

Posted by: kathleen at February 14, 2008 09:25 AM

little girls do that to ya. i've got two, and even though they're 23 & 22, they're still my little girls.

beautiful, and happy birthday, wee one!

Posted by: minnie at February 14, 2008 10:22 AM

So sweet...made me cry but in a good way :) Such a beautiful family.

Posted by: Carry at February 14, 2008 11:54 AM

Aw, honey, you made me cry too.

And I get to meet her soon! Yay!

Posted by: jodi at February 14, 2008 03:07 PM

Aw! Sob! Choke! Beautiful!

Posted by: WendyI at February 14, 2008 07:41 PM

i love baby breath. for the rest of my life i will search for that smell. maybe i'll get a whiff of it coming out of my grandchild's mouth.

(i sneak up on babies in the nursery and sniff, but it's not the same.)

she's beautiful.

Posted by: kristina, anitsirk, doulamama, whatever at February 14, 2008 11:06 PM

Christ, do we ever love you. All of you.

Happy birthday, family!

Posted by: Kristen & Fergus at February 15, 2008 10:36 AM

Christ, do we ever love you. All of you.

Happy birthday, family!

Posted by: Kristen & Fergus at February 15, 2008 10:36 AM

Christ, do we ever love you. All of you.

Happy birthday, family!

Posted by: Kristen & Fergus at February 15, 2008 10:36 AM

So much that we posted three times...feel free to delete this and the other two.

Posted by: Kristen & Fergus at February 15, 2008 10:37 AM

Thank you for sharing your sweet words of love to your darling girl with the rest of us.

Posted by: Em at February 15, 2008 09:01 PM

Posted by: lostyand at February 16, 2008 03:29 AM

Oh my. That's a tear jerker. I can totally relate to everything! I only have one babe though but I'm going through that "my heart can only contain so much!" thing that I know that's not true but it's kind of scary to love someone so much. Your babies are so beautiful. What blessings! What wheel is that he's peeping behind anyway? Is that a Country Spinner?

Posted by: Tangerine Dreams at February 18, 2008 11:24 AM

Sorry! she.

Posted by: Tangerine Dreams at February 18, 2008 11:33 AM

I'm crying now, reading this love letter. So beautiful, and I feel the same way. Did I want another child, really? Then mine were different, girl first, then boy. No fear or pain or worry that something would be wrong (I can't imagine. So sorry you went through that). Long labor...unplanned C-section necessary at the end of 4 days. Beautiful, true love for both kids, forever. What joy! Who knew? Of course, millions of Mothers before us knew, but it has to be discovered again and again, doesn't it? Each woman for herself...true love...forever.

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Posted by: lostyand at February 24, 2008 01:12 AM

Hi Jacey! I'm upstairs on your computer leaving you a comment while the secret something is under way downstairs RIGHT NOW! Rock and Roll!!

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