June 26, 2007
Unconditional kids
My hands are hot from having them in so many fires. Seriously. They are, of course, my own fires, so I can't complain, but damn, talk about busy. It's a good kind of busy though. Not the kind where I'm running crazy, cursing, and spitting and pulling out passive agressive's greatest hits, it's a peaceful kind of busy. Well, peaceful except my knitting has fallen a bit by the wayside. I will have to rectify that, but still, I can't hardly complain.
I've been reading like mad. I read when I nurse the babe, so I get a good amount of time in. Tonight or tomorrow, if I get a chance, I'll post a list of the 30 books I've read in the past 2 months. Yes, seriously.
However, one book I'm reading right now is hitting me where I live -- it's by Alfie Kohn and it's about uncondtional parenting. My friends Mike and Kathleen (and their lovely brood) came down this weekend and the talk, of course, turned to kids, and K recommended Kowen. Yes siree. Freaking amazing. So in tuned with everything I've thought about raising/loving kids. Not that I'm the poster child for it's tactics -- in fact, it's sometimes really humbling to read an example to be avoided and have it be almost verbatim something I've said to LB. Thankfully, it's humbling and enlightening. I'm so thankful to be reading it.
One of the large questions is asks is is how we are raising our kids going to help them turn into the people we want them to be? As in, we want them (at least I hope and assume) to grow up to be creative, independent, happy, peaceful, joyous etc. But do the current trends in parenting support these things? His and my answer is a resounding no.
I've always said that I am not interested in having what people would consider a well-behaved child. I'm interested in having a free, happy, kind, creative child. Sometimes the 2 don't look the same, in fact, I'd say they often don't look the same. There's an example in the book that asks if you overheard 2 mothers or 2 of your friends talking about your child, which words would make you happy to hear, which would not?. For me, and I hope for others, hearing that your kid always did what he/she is told, always follows directions and never talks out of turn, isn't what I'd wanna hear. And yet the methods so often employed in our society is geared towards having kids that will illicit those responses.
We, as a culture, so focus on behavior, control, and manners, that we forget to let kid form, learn, and live freely and organically. They're so busy trying to live up to what we set for them, please us, get our approval and love, that they have trouble finding and building themselves under it all. Don't get me wrong, I love a kind kid. I have a kind kid, sometimes. At his core I know he's kind, but it's an organic kindness, I think, and I hope a sincere one. For example, he may not say he's sorry when he's supposed to, but is that really important? I know it's important to many, in this society. But does it really help when you force a kid to say those words? Does it make them sorry? Does it make them think they should be sorry? Or make them feel like something is wrong with them that they don't feel sorry. Or does it teach them to be insincere? To lie, even. We want authentic kids, right? I know I do. But I think it has to be reached, growed if you will, not forced and faked.
I was recently in a situation where I felt I had to apologize for my LB's behavior even though he wasn't doing a single thing wrong. He was running, playing, whooping it up in a joyous way. In a wide open public place. But the people i was with so tightly controlled their kid, controlled his every movement (and had forever, so the kid was excellently behaved, that my kid looked like a hellion. Again, LB wasn't doing anything wrong, just being a kid, but I felt stressed and inadequate and really shitty the whole time. Bah. I shouldn't have, but it just goes to show, even when we're sure deep down of what we're doing, it's easy to feel insecure on the surface. That's my own failing, something I need to get past -- relying on the opinions of others, looking for validation (which is something I'm trying to NOT instill in my kids).
Anyway, this book is amazing and says everything (and more) I've always felt but didn't have anyone backing me up (except bill, of course). I'm not saying that I do/know everything in the book. I have failings, and make mistakes. That's why it's such a joy to have this resource to draw from.
More on it later, I'm sure.
In fiber/blog/indie news, I'm going to totally wipe my links list and start anew. I'll say that I'm going to only be linking to indie businesses that I can recommend (as in, I know from experience that their work is wonderful/stable/creative). My wonderful customers use my links to find other great indies (not just fiber, folks) and recently one of my favorites was greatly disappointed by a fibery product they received, so no more blind linking. It may take me a bit, being as busy as I've been lately, but if you think you should be listed and I've forgotten you, please drop me a note, my brain is filled right now and forgetting you is not on purpose, really. Also, if we've never worked with each other's products, let's rectify that, a swap does wonders.
Posted by jacey at June 26, 2007 08:13 AMI think LB is PERFECTLY well behaved. And precocious. And cool. And I don't care what anybody else says. So there.
BTW, how's Bill's bum doing? I forgot to ask him the other day.
Posted by: Sarah at June 26, 2007 09:21 AMYour kids seem like they are really, truly happy. As long as they are such, and aren't making decisions that harm themselves or others, who cares what other people think?
Posted by: amanda at June 26, 2007 09:22 AMThat book sounds like something I'd like to check out, thank you for sharing!
Posted by: Lauren at June 26, 2007 09:33 AMI agree with your parenting style and I've lately been reading Raising Children Who Think For Themselves (or something close to that, the link is here: http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Children-Who-Think-Themselves/dp/1582700478/ref=sr_1_1/104-0714825-8284761?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1182868621&sr=8-1)
Thanks for your book recommendation, I'll be picking it up soon!
work it, J. really really appreciate the thoughtfulness and care you take with your childrens. parenting is a trip.
Posted by: adamo at June 26, 2007 11:14 AMAmen Sista'!!!!!
Posted by: Joelle at June 26, 2007 02:52 PMI remember reading Alfie Kohn's _Punished By Rewards_ waaayyy back at the beginning of our homeschooling journey (kids are now 12 and 9). I already believed strongly in what he said in that book and we were already living in accordance with the ideas, but it definitely felt good to see it backed up in his book. Now it's 10 years later and I can't imagine living any other way.
Enjoy!
www.livnletlrn.blogspot.com
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You know, I've noticed that the children who DON'T have their parents constantly barking at them tend to be the more respectful and sweet kids.
My husband is very SIT DOWN BE QUIET BEHAVE, and I'm just not. I expect Zoe to be gracious and good natured, and above all, caring. And she is, because she knows that if she is hurtful, it effects others. But the minute my husband gets home and starts with the orders, she's all mouth and attitude.
Maybe someday he'll get it, but until then, I will continue to be fine with Zoe (and kids like LB) pretending, running about, laughing and yes...even spilling things.
With that said, I have to go clean pudding off my couch. :-\
Posted by: Pam at June 26, 2007 08:11 PMwith a kid like mine, you walk a fine line. he's adhd/ocd/odd. i know, that's a lot of letters for a 12 year old boy. however, he needs structure, structure, structure. part of it is keeping him on a schedule (he always was a schedule baby, he set him self on one, lol). part of it is knowing intimately what does and does not work, in private as well as public. i try not to be too restrictive, but he has absolutely no fear. he's been known to lean all the way over a balcony ledge, just cuz he wants to know what's under it. (this was 3 months ago, not a long time ago). so we try to satiate his curiosity, and still keep him safe. we are also working on his recognition of what is and what is not kosher behavior wise. i don't have to work on him being independent. he does very well on his own. right now it's reining him in enough to keep him safe (our sanity isn't htat important, lol, although it's helpful!)
Posted by: minnie at June 26, 2007 10:47 PMDo you know I STILL haven't gotten any of your kick-ass swag? We need to do something about that......
Posted by: scout at June 27, 2007 12:10 AMI agree with so much of what you've written here. I want to raise people that I _want_ to have over for supper because they're interesting, compassionate, engaged in living full lives. I want to raise citizens not consumers. I want to raise people who are happy, not necessarily 'successful'.
Have you noticed the disappearance of the 'outside voice'? The one that's the opposite of what we say when we ask for 'inside voices'. When we are out in parks or even in our yard I sometimes find myself asking the kids to tone it down a bit. What? When did kids making a racket become something to edit?
Posted by: Poppins at June 27, 2007 06:59 AMi wish there were more people out there who felt the same way...i hate feeling inadequate just because i want and strive for something different for the future (children, society, humanity) than the norm.
Posted by: lyn at June 27, 2007 09:27 AMWow... these are the things I'm just starting to think about. The baby is (supposedly) 9 weeks away, and I'm thinking about parenting philosophy. The Sleep-Voiced Husband and I are only just beginning the talks we'll be having over the next 18+ years. I'm glad to hear what other experienced parents think.
P.S. Your kids are so damn cute!
Posted by: Susan at June 27, 2007 03:52 PMi hate feeling embarrassed when f does things that are regular behavior, things that don't really bother me but are bothering other parents and i'm feeling judged...alfie kohn is great for examining the adults in your life and examining how things could have gone better for them "if only."
i mean, he's great for current parenting, too. i stumble over the praise stuff, like not saying "that's so awesome!" over every little thing, so i modify it with, "what a cool looking poop you made! what is that -- a crocodile?" so that i can still exercise that part of myself without getting too psyched about toothbrushing (boooring!).
Posted by: kristen at June 29, 2007 10:31 AMI know this is a bit tardy, but I wanted to add another smashing book to your list... it helped me soo much and with every reading it does so more
It is Positive Discipline by oh god I can't remember.
Anyway, get it, put it under your pillow, and READ when you get a chance a really enlightened woman.
As far as behavior goes, habit forming is paramount... and yes, you have a kid with a giant heart and a ton of energy. I think that expecting kids to be polite and considerate of others and showing that by being behaved in certain places or moments is going to make their lives a lot more comfortable in the future, but rest assured if he doesn't get that lesson now, the first annoyed glance from a "peer he respects" will get him to grow up a little faster. His life will teach him what works and what doesn't. When and where, too.
Long post, but had a lot to say. take care, kid.
EE
Posted by: EE at July 2, 2007 09:39 AMJane Nelson wrote Positive Discipline.... a real classic for enlightened parents.
Posted by: Erin at July 2, 2007 10:06 AM