I’ve been thinking a lot about myself. Honestly, I don’t think enough people spend enough time doing this. Wait, I don’t mean thinking about yourself in the selfish, self-involved Ayn rand kinda way. I mean taking often, honest looks at my interior. Specifically, lately, me as a friend. I’ve never surrounded myself, or been surrounded (because maybe it’s not my choice, but rather just me) by lots of friends. I’ve always had lots of acquaintances, lots of people who you casually call friends but usually only one or two real friends (this difference may be best illustrated if you picture the friend as sick, the former I might give soup, the latter – a kidney). Yeah, when I have a friend, I take it seriously. I’m there for my friend.
Or I used to be. I’m not sure where I am now. I might be avoiding friendships. Well, not really avoiding, maybe just not seeking, not working at, not uh, cultivating. That’s not to say I don’t have some good friends right now, I do. And if you're reading this and we're friends, please don't take this personally, I'm speaking more to myself in the sweeping, historical sense. I do indeed have people I love. People that I can count on, people I’m comfortable with, people with whom I have good conversations and shared clothing. But it’s different than it used to be. Or maybe I’m different than I used to be. Maybe I’m flakier, or fakier, or busier, or jaded-ier. Maybe I erect barriers I used to try to knock down in others. Maybe it's symptomatic of growing up, having kids, being busy, the internet, locking my door at night...I don’t know. But I know I miss thinking of myself as a good friend. Or maybe I just miss the idea of thinking of myself as a good friend. Hell, I don’t know. I spend most of my time with my family. I don't hang out with others often. I think I want to see other people, but when it comes to it for real, I lose the drive. I take comfort in my house, my kids, my partner. People used to think of me as intense, too intense, in fact. They said I scared them or others with my intensity. I was too much. Was too much and expected too much. Now I fear I’m not enough.
I guess it’s just been a while since I’ve let myself really delve into a friendship and I wonder if I still know how.
It's late, and like I said, I've been thinking about myself a lot.
Jacey, I've been lurking around on your blog for a loooong time, but had to speak up today because I've been obsessing about the same thing lately. I sort of blame it on mom-hood. It's hard to be open and available to friends when there are already 2 little people living under the same roof who completely depend on you for that sort of support constantly. I mean, getting back to your soup/kidney metaphor... you've only got two kidneys, and they're kind of on hold for Little Bit and Sweetpea. If that sounds stupid, it totally makes more sense in my head. Just something I've been thinking as I've obsessed over my own less-than-superb good friend skills.
Posted by: ivynforestsmom at June 10, 2007 08:37 AMThankyou so much for posting this post. If it helps you are not alone, I too feel like this alot. It seems to be connected to motherhood in some way, perhaps the whole becoming more insular thing, to give as much of yourself as you can to your family? I am finding though as my kids get older, they are 13, 7 and 5, it tends to be less of an issue as you meet new people through school etc.
Hang int here and keep up the great work!
Posted by: Tye Neich at June 10, 2007 10:29 AMYou know, as my friends started having kids and their time got tighter and tighter, I realized that they still love me even though they may not have the time to say/show it. And I still love them, and don't resent their time with their kids and families. So honestly Jacey, those of us who love you and consider you a friend or good acquaintance even, we understand.
Posted by: Sarah at June 10, 2007 03:26 PMYeah...me too. Being content with a small social circle is often characterized as a bad thing and I hate that. Blogging has also changed my perception of friendships...I certainly consider many bloggers to be 'friends' and I don't feel lonely knowing that they're out there. I have met 'real life' friend through blogs and it happens really easily.
From where I'm standing, it seems like you'd be a great friend!
Posted by: Cirilia at June 10, 2007 04:27 PMBoy, can I relate! And you're quite young to be here already, but I do think it is part of life, especially for women with families, young kids, and other commitments. I used to scare others with my intensity, etc. too. I used to put out so much energy for other people (and expected a lot too) that it nearly destroyed me.
The last five years I have been a semi-hermit, and I love it. I have special people in my life, but I see them infrequently, and it's still good. I like keeping my life a lot smaller and quieter than I used to. I seem to need that. Partner, kids, home, work IS quite a bit.
I think it's cool that you're paying attention to yourself and to your changing needs. This is called being a good friend to yourself. :)
Posted by: jayne at June 10, 2007 06:29 PMAs someone whose has always had higher expectations of myself and my ability to serve others in this world I can tell you that you must remember all the work you are putting into your family now will add 2 individuals to this world who will in their turn be friends to others and improve the general state of being for many in the future. This kind of work, in fact, deprives you of the rewards of friendship. the fact that you are being so introspective shows that you are in fact a truly good human being and your life has and will continue to touch others in ways you may never know.
Posted by: Diane at June 10, 2007 07:25 PMOkay Jacey - that was so me today. I was feeling like a selfish introverted heel who spent time on herself and her kids and didn't really want to communicate with others. It's hard to find the time and energy for other people when you get time to yourself only when they are in bed. i mych prefer to focus on family in me time and well when i am at work it's my escape from the miseries of home but I am happy to go home.
As someone above said - I think the kids need to get a little more independent. I have to admit I'm enjoying getting to know people online simply because I don't expect an invite for dinner or tea cause it's not possible.
(to make up for my introvertedness, i did talk to a few people on the phone today - I figure I'm done till next month).
Your yarns this week are da bomb!
I'm trying not to buy the pink and black hat kit with squashed face dude.
Posted by: jayne at June 10, 2007 11:29 PMJacey, I couldn't agree more with what everyone has said. Having kids inevitably changes our focus, and the other people who've commented have already given plenty of reasons why that's a positive thing and not something to agonize over. But the best part, I've found, is that the friends you had before will understand your situation very well, and they will still be your friends. I visited a friend in a city I used to live in, taking my children with me. Most of my old friends in that area I had neglected for about 8 years, totally immersed in my family and in life in another part of the country. So I was a bit nervous when the friend I was staying with decided to have a party for me, and invited all the old gang. I was touched beyond measure when every single one of them - more than 50 - turned up at short notice, cancelling other appointments to do so. I felt I didn't deserve it, I'd been so neglectful. But it was all OK with them. Your friends don't go away, and they are waiting for you when the children have grown a bit and you are ready to shift your focus again.
Posted by: Christine at June 11, 2007 06:57 AMIt was good seeing you the other day....
It is sunny and if you want to come out of your hive, we can go to the pool? I am home at 12:30ish.
Call me if you want to go. We plan to leave at 1ish...but you can always meet us there! On me, sorry for yesterday LB.
xx
Jacey... You are not alone, girl... I do the whole "internal reflection" thing all the time. Am I a "good" enough person? Do I make others around me feel as appreciated as I would like to be? Am a good friend? Blah, blah, blah. Just the fact that you DO think about it says a lot. You are a Mom, a wife, an artist trying to keep a household afloat... You are busy...and developing a true friendship takes time. Something I am thinking you are pretty short on right now. :-) Friendship is a wonderful thing...and if you are feeling that you are lacking it, then perhaps it's time to venture out a little more...??? I've been lucky to have met you a few times, I can say you are a joy to be around. You are witty, smart, funny, clever, talented and WORTH IT... IT meaning patience while you run your life, until you need someone to be there, outside of the house/family. People who know you, will understand and be patiently waiting for you.
H.
P.S.
The little ditty is almost done... I'll email it to you soon. :-)
ok--I have to say that Ayn Rand got a bad rap on your post.... I think you need to re-read Anthem or Atlas Shrugged.... She forced people to look at themselves and demand excellence first of the self and then of others... no whining, basically. We are amazing intelligent creatures. Since I knew you when you were totally into her.... I just wanted to say that.
Also, YOU ARE NESTING. Bravo, allelujah. More women need to find self-esteem in that. BIG self-esteem. And all those real friends(who have shared loud and clear) love you, know you and are pretty much doing the same thing.
I am expecting baby number 5 and yeah, I'm hellaboring, but this is my passion, my self and my love.
I love you, long nose mommy pants.
Erin
Posted by: Erin at June 15, 2007 11:35 AM