Insubordiknit

Crafted into a corner with Milli Vanilli

When I was younger, in fact, all through my teenage years, I had this great friend -- E. She was one of those girls that must made you feel good, special. I met her when I was a junior and she a freshman. For a long time it was her and I against them. Oh yeah, her and I, and the boys. Lots of boys. We both had our runs. Mine were many, varied, and short, hers were many, varied, and long. Hers sometimes culminated in a tiny human popping out of her and all of us stumbling around and fawning over what were destined to become the cutest little humans on this planet (next to my future ones, of course).

This story is going somewhere relevant, really, stay with me. I had a bit of a troubled youth, and there are many people out there reading this (my folks amoung them) with eyebrows raised and that sarcastic you think? spilling out of their slanted mouths. Yeah, troubled, like, more than usual. I've got stories that I'll let unravel slowly like a sweater desitined to be recycled wool, but not all at once. No, you'd be scared. You might even run. I'm muchbetter now and I need you to know that before I bare the part of my soul that lied, cheated, stole, ran, and called a little adobe jail my home for the better part of a week? or was it two? three?

So, troubled youth. I was living with this lovely girl, her mom, and her stepdad. They were kind to me, at that point of my life, I didn't really deserve it, but they were. So my friend, E, was pregnant, all skinny legs and huge rotund belly. Really beautiful. What the neighbors must've thought, this very religious man living there with his hot, younger wife, her pregnant 15 year old daughter and her kicked-out-of-her-house troubled teen friend. And we flaunted it. Out in bikinis, her and I would hang out on the water (they lived at the same lake that my parents live at) and turn the tunes up! And damn the music was hot too! Yep, they were really flowing around the house that summer.

Know why? because my pal E had sold her soul away to 11 CDs for a penny if you buy 10 more at regular club prices within the year. But all she saw what the first part -- 11 cds for a penny. Hell, isn't that all we all see? And they get ya. You don't even have to order, you just have to fail to not order. Forget to send in the card saying you don't want this month's featured artist and guess what? Milli Vanilli makes its way into your hot lake shuffle mix, and a pregnant white girl does not look hot doing that dance, in fact, nobody but Rob looked hot doing that dance. Girl, you know it's true.

Her mom found out about the new music when she got the bill for Cd #12, #13, #14... She was not happy, even when we made her a fancy dinner and performed the dance and lipsynced for her. Not happy. But like all good parents, she yelled at us, and then she yelled at BMG music. When that didn't work she wrote them a letter --

Dear Sirs or Madams --

My daughter is 15 and pregnant, with no hope and no future. Please stop sending her bills and end her membership with your club.

thanks,
xxx xxxx

and it worked.

Do you think such a thing would work for me? with Crafter's choice book club? Yeah, and you thought I was punk rock, didn't ya? Heh. Well I am! I'll craft ya into a corner and then jack ya. heh.

But really, I joined and thought it'd be no problem because now you can decline online, they even send you an e-mail reminding you and everything. Oh, it was so magical at first, I got loop-d-loop, and knitting on the edge, and a wonderful stitch dictionary, I was so all atwitter I think I may have even done the dance!

Then it all fell apart. I abandoned my old e-mail address 3 months ago (to the spammers -- oohhh, do you think I could blame them?) and haven't been getting the notices, which means they started sending me books. And not all staggered like you'd think, nope, they all came days apart, yeah, like these books were on back order. So now I've got 3 crappy books ranging in subject from the ancient art of scrapbooking to first take the 2 pointy sticks and long string of yarn in your hands to...I dunno, making shit out of dryer lint and fritos. It's painful to have to pay for them. So I'm thinking a letter --

Dear Sirs or Madams --

I'm 31 and a dumbass with no hope and no future, please stop sending me bills and end my membership with your club. Unless you've got the new biography of that hottie that was in that one band, you know with the hair and the dance, otherwise I'll be forced to craft you into a corner and jack your ass.

thank you very much,
jacey

Posted by jacey at February 18, 2006 08:44 PM