Insubordiknit

Hi Jacey!
I think this story is so intestesting... it reminds me of something that happened to one of my friends with her son. This particular friend of mine & her husband are probably the gentle-est, kindest, soft-est people I know. Their voices are naturally soft. There are no raised voices or passive-aggressive snips. They are amazing people. In the same manner of raising a son, they didn't have TV, didn't fight with each other, didn't go to scary movies, and certainly didn't have scary toys. And yet their son was OBSESSED with wanting a sword!! My friend finally relented and made him a very nice one out of some wood (just like little bit's axe!). As he has grown up, this little boy went through various phases of being obsessed by military strategy, all manner of online video games... but he has remained one of the kindest and most thoughtful and unique boys that I know. Now he's in high school and still very cool. So, whaddya know!?

As someone who worked at a Day Care for two years I can say that kids will go to great lenghts to make their own weapons.

The best one I remember was Lil' A with his building blocks. I was helping him build a castle out of the wood blocks when suddenly he picked up the longest block and began making shooting noises with it.

"A, is that a gun? You know there's no guns in the school!"

A looked at me like a deer caught with a hoof in the cookie jar and suddenly moved the block around in his hands.

"Miss 'Mber! I'm watering the flowers!"

And so he began to pretend he was watering flowers while still making bang-bang noises.

We've let our kids watch TV but it's very restricted. We have TiVo so I have complete control over what they watch and there are no commercials. It's funny to me that I've raised both of my kids to not shoot or kill friends in play and they don't at all. In fact, my son who is almost 7 really disliked movies or friends to ever have that kind of action/play around him! It amazing how all of our kids turn out. Ya know?

That's a hard choice you've got there, Jacey. Chop down the forest or chase a scared man?!

All I have are neutered pets - I have no good advice for you except that there must be hope for a boy who chooses a snack that will taste like green beans and flowers.

;-)

I suppose the thing is, the aggression is natural and what you do is provide context and understanding without judging him for feeling those things? I don't have kids yet, but I've had this conversation a number of times with friends who are parents, and it's interesting to hear what different people think about this issue. I guess you keep in mind that he has his own inherent personality, and though you will help to form his values, he may end up having different ideas.
Best of luck, that's a tough one. :)

Jacey ~
I've been lurking and reading your blog for a few months now, and always look forward to new posts. This one grabbed me because I'm a home/unschooling mom of three youngin's...When I had my first (a boy), I imagined him a lump of clay or a blank piece of paper, ready for molding and shaping. I did my best during the first few years to shelter him from what I considered harmful outside influence, pieces of American culture that I personally took offense to, etc. Then he started seeking out and creating weapons and asking/demanding/begging for all the typical American entertainment packages - computer games, tv shows, action movies, ACK!!! My son being very stubborn, I had to check myself, and see what my motivations were. Since then, my education philosophy has changed. I now believe, and am constantly reminded that, my kids are already people, and my greatest gift to them is respect for their right to determine what kind of people they are and want to become on their own. I educate them as to why I personally dislike weapons, violence, etc. They decide what to do with that. They continue to find boundaries of their own, based on their own experience and values, and generally we are close to the same page when it comes to the end result. I've been told my kids are exceptionally sweet, kind, gentle, loving people. I believe they are capable of all those traits in great measure, specifically because they CHOOSE it themselves, authentically, and unknowingly take great responsibility for their effect on the world. Granted, I've left it easily possible for my children to choose to be ANYTHING, I suppose even ax murderers, racist jerks, money-grubbing corporate execs, slimy politicians, or (gasp!) non-knitters. But it is my experience that they generally admire their family, and try very hard to share as much as possible with us, including our values. I apologize for being wordy, but I love this kind of discussion, and have bookloads to say on kids and education. Feel free to email me if you want another dose of my passionate ranting! And thank you again for a stimulating blog!

maybe after he chop down a few trees you can help him plant some new ones?

My son, at 3, chewed his piece of toast in the shape of a gun . . . and then held it up and went --pow-pow. I was dumbfounded for days.

Aahh, Jacey, I have seen this phenomenon before. My well-intentioned, educator-parents also wished to raise my brother in the peace-loving pacifist method to which you aspire. My brother is 8 years younger than I so I got to watch the process and the results.

Baby bro was not given any guns or weapons to play with. Nor were other well-meaning gift givers allowed to begift him with them. My parents wanted to raise the new generation of male who did not have to be the macho, war maker of previous ages.

My brother is now 30 and is a WWII weapons specialist who incorporates these items into his chosen art form - comic animation. He's a lovely, sensitive, caring man but he has a fascination with all things warfare.

I have reasoned that, since the experiment so obviously backfired for my bro, it was because he wasn't given all the information and allowed to make a choice. The choice of his parents was thrust upon him and instead of the desired outcome of being a man without a gun, the taboo became his holy grail.

I wish you much luck with your child-rearing. It is a difficult job and no one can ever predict the outcome to a 100% certainty. I admire your bravery at undertaking the job in the first place!

Pax!

I really think that it's just an innate thing for kids to do EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE of whatever the parents think. It's the ongoing cycle of payback for whatever we did to our parents, and they to theirs, etc. We have a long row to hoe. (BTW, I admire you for the no TV thing. I wish I had the will power to not have the thing on all the time. But if they can't watch it, neither can I. Bad mommy.)

I feel for you. We have a 6 y.o. who spent an hour working in a friend's woodshop. Guess what he came out with--a rifle the size of an Uzi. :-( At a lecture, William Pollock (author of "Real Boys") talked about the difference between aggression and violence; boys' rough and tumble play is not intended to cause injuries and is different from real violence. I still feel ill when I see my boy pick up a toy gun, though, and he, too, has made guns from toast. You're on the right track, though, for sure. Keep up the good work!

eh...dont worry..kids naturally seek conflict in play. ( and story time, etc...) Just redirect the play away from the weapons focus. My girls wrestle, and chase, and in general act more like puppies than humans. They take turns being the scared one, while the other chases and growles. Its a deeply wired "skill building" urge...survival ..or something..I believe.
You just have to let them know that injury to another person isnt acceptable.
The conflict in playtime also helps reaffirm the secure home they really live in..."Whew, I was chased down in the forrest by robotic wolves...sure is great to be at the dinner table now!"

Well..you dont know me and I'm rambling. Its a lovely blog you have here. Looks like it was lots of work, and I admire anyone who can and does make something so pleasing.

hate to tell ya.. the older he gets, the worse it'll be. it's just a 'boy' thing - all you can do is take comfort in knowing you are teaching him great morals... he'll come back to them. my 8 year old son is just beginning to get out of the 'violent' phase... however, his 4 and 3 year old brothers - OY! bang and pow and blow it up!
enjoyed reading your space today :)

As the proud Auntie of 5 nephews...no matter what, at some point in their life, they'll be pointing a gun made out of a TP roll, some gun and a shoestring at you.

I have a daughter, so if you get any wild ideas how to get her to shut her ever lovin mouth in school, please share! blah blah barbies blah blah blah unicorns...

I too am constantly amazed at what my yard ape comes up with regarding weapons and life in general...Evan never bit until at another kids house he saw effin' shark boy and that bitch lava girl!!! Evan has now been biting in school...I do not have a television...have you noticed that when you tell people...its like a cult they start offering them up to you...Evan was four last october...he likes his books, music (he is singing of all things happiness is a warm gun as we type!) and freakin' Thomas the Tank Engine...he is in a dance class and loves it...My ex thinks I am trying to turn Evan gay...like that can even happen...people constantly amaze me...like after reading your blog and looking around they would ever put you and old ronnie in the same sentence!
Well I am an incredibly broke single mum, even so I will save my pennies and buy Evan and I some funky monster hats for those two cold weeks of the year here! I miss Canada for the snow but not the slush...have a groovy week with you and yours and i will try to do the same! Irene